… I went to a party which was held by this girl. All the usual people where there, and it was a bit boring, but also weird... it was weird being ‘single’ again and looking around for girls for some warmth/human attention... at some point I found myself in the smoking area outside, next to this young German girl, and we started talking about acting, and at some point we started a "crying competition" with another German girl. So there we were, me and the 2 of them, staring at each other, and seeing who is going to be the first to have tears... I tried so hard using all my 'method shticks', hearing the sad songs which usually make me cry, thinking of ---, and you... but I couldn't cry. There was loud music in the background, and I just couldn't do it... but later on when I came back inside, it kinda hit me... these intense past 2 months which started and ended in the same abruptness that it almost feels like a dream. We met after all in one of these same parties, only some weeks ago, but I can't even remember that, or what happened. I felt a mix of sadness, and wonder, and being lucky that I was fortunate enough to have it... how unpredicted and sad and wonderful life is at the same time... and how weird it is that when two strangers meet, they can share so much and show so much love to each other, and it is so exciting and close and intimate and magical, and then when they really get to know each other they can't even feel half the love / excitement / closeness / human affection they had when they were newly met strangers... and it all seems to go away when you are angry and resentful and exhausted emotionally and defensive and all closed up... it stays as just a faint memory, as if it was all just a dream...

…but I really think so too about the connections we have in life... in my life too, as I think I told you, there are all these coincidences and connections, that it feels that there is some weird secret plan for me to meet certain people and have certain experiences, or like someone / something higher is trying to tell me something, or if we accept the theory that our reality is coming from us, that I am projecting this weird 'movie' of my life in which things are related... no matter what it is, I feel there is a deep, hidden, karmic connection between us and the people / souls we meet in our life. There is a reason for it all, and nothing is random.... the Buddhists believe that this karmic connection is true, that in past lives we met and had all kinds of relationships with the people we meet in this life... that our souls are somehow connected for good.... I kinda believe in that...