… last weekend I did the Landmark Advanced Course, and it was great. Much better than the first course - what they call The Forum. It just keeps opening up more and more things, not so much about the reasons for why you are the way you are, but more about WHO you are, and WHO you really are, or could be, under the ‘you’ that you are used to be... you'll be amazed how much we are thinking and behaving in unnecessary patterns, again and again and again, without knowing it, patterns which are part of our 'false identity' which we have created for ourselves as kids, and which basically don't do us any good. 99.9 % of the time, they are all about what we cannot do, not good enough for, not worthy, etc... so once you realize that, you can let them go and invent a ‘new self’... that's what the Advanced Course is basically about. Very powerful stuff, not easy to understand, and even more difficult to implement in your life after being used to years of being something else. But it seems to work for many many people, in a big way, and even I am beginning to see the results of this new way of thinking. I spoke to my dad during the seminar, I asked him to call me, and he did for the first time in our lives. It was a nice conversation, and even though he kept lecturing me as usual of what I should and shouldn’t do, and even though he told me that "it's pretty clear that you won't be the next Marlon Brando", I could take these things lightly, and not get too offended by them...

I just re-read your email and it is a very personal one, and I appreciate your wisdom and honesty and your sharing with me, and also your pain which I can see popping in between the lines (it seems that you are mourning the loss of something which you never got… and which you think other people did get... can you define what it was ?). In general I actually agree with you about the connection between parents and children, and you are indeed a great example that the apple can actually fall pretty far away from the tree. I think anything is possible in this world, and geniuses can come from ruined families, and total losers can come from great families. It seems that there is no connection. But I still think there is. It’s not about the values, or the material wealth or the toys you had when you were a child. I think it’s about a warm word, a comforting and assuring hand, and a loving look, that makes a difference for children. And it doesn’t have to come from parents. But from some authority figure in your childhood. I don’t know where you got yours, but I assume you DID get it from somewhere, and that helped you be who you are. On the other hand, the things you didn't get, 'helped' you be who you are NOT ! What you don't, and never had in your life. And I am sure there are things which you would list under this category...

You see, actually in this Landmark course you learn how much most of what you are is NOT dependent on what your parents did to you before, and how much they influenced you, but on what YOU decided about everything that happened to you. That's why a good and healthy parent should be on guard and make sure that his kid doesn't decide that he is a total loser only because a teacher at school told him to shut up, or only because he got 98 in a test and not 100. For some kids (...) this equals: "you are a loser, and will always be a loser all your life, in every area of your life" ! As simple as that. And if you are prone to make such decisions, because it is in your genes to be a little anxious kid, or because you are just too sensitive, or because I donnow why, then if you don't have a parent that can change that for you, then you are doomed for the rest of your life. Yes. It actually happens this way. The role of the parent, aside from providing enough material means for the child's growing up, is in my opinion, now, to develop in the child this healthy, secure look at life and at himself, so that he doesn't make the wrong decisions about the world and himself, that will damage him for the rest of his life. And this, my parents totally didn't do. But it’s because they didn't know how to... you definitely know how to do it, without learning it anywhere, and I think that's the main quality that makes you such a good father ! I believe that even Zorba, who is a great example of somebody with a very healthy look at life, has learned it from someone. Maybe not from his parents, but from someone around. Otherwise he wouldn't be what he is... and maybe you didn't learn it from your Holocaust-survivor parents, but you DID learn it somewhere ! From your brother maybe ? An uncle ? An aunt ? A teacher ? I don't know... you know that they say that the biggest male lovers in history, the most secure and successful men, like Casanova, always had a mother or grandmother who planted in them the love of women, the love of life, and the security in themselves... as you know, its not about the looks, it’s exactly about that self-confidence that made them who they were...

I agree with you that endless digging in the past is at some point no good. I don’t think there is a time limit for it, but I think you know when is the time to stop digging and realize that you are just fine the way you are. But in general, I think 'working on yourself' and bettering yourself is a life long process, like everything else. It takes a lifetime to learn how to be a good teacher or mechanic or cook or a psychologist, and for that matter - also a father, a husband, and a human being. Again, what you said about your great ongoing relationship with your wife, and with your kids, just seems to prove it...